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also known as the FORE STORY

Ah, this takes me back. In one of my previous incarnations, I was a member of the early earls, an irish bowling team, that invented the game of golf. I remember helping "scythe" out the fairways, and sanding the teeth of the Mooflong sheep we used to mow the greens. But, back to me tale. One of our first courses was this elevational challenge, on the edge of the Scottish highlands. And, as it turned out, also on the edge of the great Prussian wild boar's territory. In no time at all it had become common practice to warn other golfers, (that may not be looking,) that a boar was coming their way. Any decent gentleman would holler "BOAR! there....BOAR! there..." Without this warning, unsuspecting "dukers" could be (and often were) chewed up to the point where Golf was no longer an important part of their lives. This would result in the loss of critical numbers of golfers. We had so very few golfers to spare. Many could not return to the game. It became so important to warn fellow sportsmen, that if you didn't yell "BOAR!" you would be set upon by the surviving golfers instead.

Once, when I were playing with some visiting cousin gubermeisters, one of the lads hit an errent shot that was headed right for me mate's noggin. With more than a wee bit of fright going, I cried out "BOAR...there.." hoping the boar warning would get him to look up in time to see the new, well packed featherie, heading right for his gorse apple. It worked! The lad was able to dodge the errant missle, saving him for more golf. As we merry lads arrived to make sure he was alright, I overheard him telling another player that he thought I said FORE. It was decided right then and there that this would be the way to warn other golfers of impending danger from the next fairway. A FORE and a BOAR posed similar levels of danger.

There was only one problem. The problem was pride, a man thing. Pride was never an issue when warning others of an impending boar attack. It was a real problem however, when it was up to a golfer to holler FORE , after hitting a dangerous golf shot. Yelling FORE was admitting that you had just made a horrible swing. Often pride would get in the way of safety. This was not acceptable. Many golfers new to the game, were unwilling to let everybody within earshot, know they had just "curled off a gnarly nanner". Since it was already s.o.p. to roust anyone not warning of boars, anyone not warning of FOREs was lovingly clubbed by the pack. Later that day, after the group witnessed a horrible "gutta" incident, the offending hacker realized a bad swing was less embarrassing than a dead playing partner.

But seriously, not screaming FORE! loud enough for the potential target to hear you, could end up being very embarrassing for you. If you ask me it ought to be very EXPENSIVE for you. Not hollering FORE is a sure sign of your membership in golf monkeydom. I have included small sadnesses concerning the decline of golf in almost everything I have ever written. The word "decline" was never meant to refer to a number, as in the number of golfers hit by a deadly golf projectile, having never been warned by the hack that hit it. If you had to pay money to the "greenfee" fund every time you were observed not giving the missile warning, you might start concerning yourself with the necessary safety issues. This would be one way to instill golf manners in the mannerless. Remember, golf is about integrity, dignity. intelligence, stuff like that. It might also inspire you to attempt golf shots you have some outside chance of executing correctly. You know where I'm going with this don't you? Leave the low percentage monkey clubs in the car. Correctly execute more shots, have more success, yield yourself more fun, shoot lower scores, play better golf, look like a better golfer, LIVE! And whenever you do hear the word BOAR!, or FORE!, don't look up!

and then thank the golfer that was behaving like a golfer
because he may have saved your life


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